Robert Bard

I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours

In Mimesis on December 8, 2010 at 7:38 pm

He had given her the power. She knew now that he wanted her, and how badly. She knew now that he’d wanted her for years, and that he’d had this aching desire inside of him. Even though they had spoken of this desire on AOL Instant Messenger and she had expressed a mutual desire for him he felt like Prometheus chained to the rock, the vultures ready to pick out his innards. He was on his way to pick her up at a temporary shelter for people with mental disorders, and his thoughts were racing. Surely she must be playing a game with him. She could not really desire him. He had too many flaws to be loved. That was why everyone had rejected him before. His brief encounters with sex had been disastrous. His first kiss had been forced on him (or more like he had been forced into it). Reginald had been with Elizabeth and her boyfriend Samuel at a party, and Reginald had been brought his girlfriend Dolores with him. All he had wanted was to be with Elizabeth and not Dolores, but probably sensing this, Samuel had pushed Reginald’s and Dolores’ heads together, uniting them their first kiss. Reginald felt like he was cheating on Elizabeth by being with his own girlfriend. He did not desire his girlfriend. He had only gone out with her because she had asked him to and he felt it was polite to say yes. He was envious of Samuel.

He honestly couldn’t even remember some of his other girlfriend’s names. They had been inconsequential. There had been another, the first girl to take off her shirt for him, and they had taken turns scratching each other, and nibbling up and down their chests and necks, feeling the sharp teeth tug gently at the skin, the excitement coming from the sense that the other person could bite as hard as they wanted, but chose to be gentle instead. This girlfriend would later cheat on him, and they never got farther than foreplay. His extreme social anxiety made it impossible to interact with any of the girls he was interested in, especially Elizabeth. There had been other girls that had come along and asked him out, and during those times he went out with them out of what he felt as courtesy, knowing that he would want Elizabeth to do this to him if he had asked her. One girl had been especially forward with him, and had taken to grabbing at his crotch during class, and he had massaged her upper thigh, on the inside. A teacher noticed this and asked that they switch desks, which was difficult for Reginald because he was afraid that everyone would see that he was aroused, as it was plainly visible through his jeans. He and this girl had taken to making out in parking lots, and occasionally left hickeys on the other person’s neck, and as some of their classmates described it, sometimes it looked like a gorilla had punched them on either side. This had culminated in Reginald receiving oral sex from this girl in the parking lot of a Raymour and Flannigan’s, but she was unable to make him ejaculate. Reginald attributed this to her not being very good at it, and wanted to have sex with her when they got back to her house, but she had declined stating that she was afraid it would hurt due to his size. Reginald took this as a boldface lie, and felt that the reason she wouldn’t have sex with him had been because he couldn’t ejaculate for her. She had left, like all the rest, under vague circumstances, and with his feeling betrayed, and unsure of himself, and he always felt himself longing for Elizabeth. He did not desire these other women, only her.

Then came Isis.

Apart from Elizabeth, Isis was the first girl that Reginald felt strongly about. The only problem was that they lived on opposite ends of the country, and were too young and didn’t have enough expendable income to see each other. Their solution was phone sex, which they engaged in sometimes in excess of four times a night. Finally Isis saved up enough money to visit Reginald and they had two weeks of basically non-stop sex. Reginald lost his virginity to her, which his brother walked in on. Perhaps they shouldn’t have had sex on the couch downstairs, but after waiting six months they didn’t really care. They didn’t use protection most of the time, once again because they didn’t care. As before though, Reginald had difficulty ejaculating, and more often than not had to pull out and finish himself off on her. Isis claimed that she liked it when Reginald ejaculated on her breasts and stomach better anyway. This pattern continued for the duration of their relationship. They would have phone sex and send erotic pictures of themselves to each other while they were apart, and then have sex virtually non-stop while they were together. The periods where they were together got fewer and fewer. First it was six months, then a year, then the last was a year and a half. Overall they only spent six weeks together.

During their last visit together Isis told Reginald that she wanted to wait for marriage. Reginald was furious. He felt betrayed, and that she was being hypocritical. He knew however, how to get her to have sex with him, and by the time they were in the hotel door, their clothes were off. She asked if they should go for condoms, but then decided against it. The rest of the visit turned into Isis trying to hold out, and Reginald finding ways to get her to have sex with him. One night he just suggested that they sleep naked together, but once she felt the warmth of his skin against hers, she was his. Once again, they didn’t use a condom.

Shortly after he returned home they broke up, and shortly after that she informed him that she was pregnant. He reflected on the irony in this. His sexual career was only six weeks long, and now he was going to be a father. It was only during this last visit that he had been able to ejaculate while inside of Isis, and the only times that they hadn’t used a condom was perhaps twice the whole visit. So in two times of Reginald ejaculating inside a woman, he was a father. His joke to her about having assassin sperm no longer seemed funny. What followed after this was the most painful decision of his life. Briefly during his relationship with Isis he had learned that Elizabeth was single, and he had considered breaking up with Isis in favor of Elizabeth, but now he had a child with Isis. He decided to marry Isis. It seemed the appropriate thing to do. He had made his bed. He must lie in it. Isis, however, did not see it that way. She insisted that the child be given up for adoption. A bitter struggle ensued. Finally Reginald caved and signed the adoption papers. Having sex could have horrendously painful consequences. For a year Reginald was too depressed to consider another relationship. He contemplated suicide often. Elizabeth was with someone else now. There was nothing for him to stick around for.

A chance encounter at a liquor store changed that. He hit on the cashier, and invited her to a party. She declined, but gave him her number instead, and suggested they meet up another time. That was the start of the most intense relationship Reginald had ever been in. It lasted a month. Heartbroken once again he vowed to give up on women entirely. He sought out a gay friend of his and exchanged oral sex with him on a few occasions. He attempted to have sex with him, but he could not get hard enough and the friend was too tight. He attributed this inability to his not really being attracted to his friend.

Finally, Elizabeth showed up. She dropped back into his life, and he confessed his love to her. She had still been going out with her boyfriend at the time, but things were on the rocks, and they soon broke up. Elizabeth had had a history of being in long term relationships. Reginald had known most of Elizabeth’s boyfriends, as they had traveled in the same circle, but he had never really inquired as to her sex life. He assumed, sometime erroneously, that she had had sex with all her boyfriends, and a lot of it. He was not passing a judgment on her; it was just what he would have done in the same circumstances. He knew that Elizabeth had had more sexual experience than him, but this was not a turn off for him, but it did intimidate him. Usually he wanted his women to be as virginal as possible, and was disgusted by the idea of a woman having multiple sexual partners. He was even further perturbed by the fact that a woman he was interested in might also have a sexual desire for other men. He held the belief that his women should be chaste, and that he should be the only man that they now desired, or had ever desired. This stemmed from an extreme inferiority complex, and especially if he knew that the woman he was with had been with a man whose penis size was greater than his, even by a slight margin. He was afraid that he would not be able to satisfy them, and that they would leave him because of his smaller size. He had this fear with Elizabeth, because he knew the size of one of her boyfriends’ penis. This was not unusual. Everyone in the school had heard stories. Apparently Elizabeth’s boyfriend had asked his dad one day what he should about preventing his penis from getting wet while going to the bathroom. His dad had been stumped, and asked what he was talking about. His son went on to say that whenever he sat down on the toilet his penis hung down into the water. This was a well known story in school. It was also well known that despite his size, he did not know what to do with the damn thing, and so all his sexual relations were still left feeling unsatisfied. Reginald feared that because he knew that he was smaller than at least one of Elizabeth’s boyfriends, and because of his relative lack of sexual experience, that he would not be able to satisfy her, and that she would not go out with him because of it. So much of his future rested on his performance in the bedroom, he thought. It never occurred to him that Elizabeth might see more in him than in his sexual performance. Despite being told by every girl he was with that he was at least bigger than average, he was incredibly insecure about the size of his penis. The only other penis he had seen in real life, that of his gay friend’s,  had been much bigger than his, and those he had seen in porn were often to the point of ridiculousness. He couldn’t help but think that she might laugh at him once he undressed. How humiliating that would be! For him to expose to her his body, giving her knowledge of all that he is, and in so doing offering himself up to her power, and then for her to turn on him. He next thought of the sexual side effects he had experienced from the medication he was on. Many of his sexual encounters had ended with his losing his erection, despite either being inside a woman or even mid oral sex. It was something he couldn’t help. What if that happened with Elizabeth? He remembered one of his girlfriends recoiling in horror as he tried to masturbate to get an erection again. Finally she had told him to just cut it out, and had taken her clothes and left the room.

He was nearing the shelter now, and was perhaps five minutes away, but still the thoughts were racing through his mind. He thought about his problem ejaculating. Would Elizabeth take offense to that, as some of his sexual partners had? The overwhelming anxiety was too much for him. He would tell her that he would not have sex with her today. He reached the shelter and called her so that she would come outside. She told him she would be right out, so he left the car running and listened to music while he waited. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he saw her come out the front, walk up to his car and get inside.

“You look great,” he said. “And you know I’ve never lied to you.”

She smiled, and they drove back to his house, chatting intermittently about what her day had been like at space camp, which is what she called her day therapy outpatient program, so named because of all the people she deemed space cadets. He couldn’t get sex off his mind. She did indeed look beautiful today, and she was wearing a shirt that showed just enough cleavage to be tantalizing, her breasts straining against the fabric. He couldn’t take the tension. Once they arrived home he suggested they go across the street to his friend’s house so he wouldn’t have to be alone with her. Then he wouldn’t feel pressured into having sex.

“Want to go hang out with Richard?” he asked.

“Sure, but I was kind of hoping we could get some ‘alone time’ at some point,” she winked at him.

He cringed, but she didn’t notice. With all this anxiety he was having he couldn’t stand the thought of having sex with her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to (he did) it was just that he was afraid that she would be disappointed in him and that their friendship would be too awkward after that and that he would lose her. That was something he couldn’t bear.

They walked across the street and saw his friend Richard and some other kids he knew hanging out on the porch smoking marijuana. There was no reason for alarm. No policemen patrolled the area. They were quite safe. He called out to his friend, “What up, cocksucker!”

His friend was quick to reply with, “Not much you dirty mic. Tell me honestly, on a scale of zero to Irish how drunk are you?”

They both laughed, and he gave his friend a pound, and likewise greeted all the other kids there. “So did I just interrupt some gay orgy or what?” he asked.

“Yeah, you know, we were just blowing each other and jerking each other off,” his friend replied.

“You mean like this?” Reginald asked, and started making a long, drawn out, masturbatory motion with his hand, though going dramatically slow, while staring his friend in the face. After a couple of up and down motions he reached out to his friend’s crotch area and started pretending to give him a hand job in the same motion, then pretended to touch the two imaginary penises together.

“Oh, you never make it touch!” his friend laughed out.

Elizabeth seemed genuinely confused. Reginald turned to her and explained, “Oh, you don’t know The Whitest Kids You Know? It’s one of the funniest shows on television.”

His friend elaborated, “It’s called ‘slow jerk’. Basically, you know how when you think something is real boring you make a jerk off motion? Well it’s like the same thing, only real slow. It makes it real creepy. And then,” his friend started laughing, “he pretends to finish all over his face. You have to see it.”

They all laughed, and agreed that they should watch it, so they went inside and looked it up on youtube. One clip turned into a couple, and finally Reginald started feeling more comfortable. The presence of his friends eased the tension between him and Elizabeth. Suddenly Elizabeth took Reginald by the hand and tugged on it, and said “I think I left my purse in your car. Want to come with me to get it?”

Reginald looked at his friend, almost pleadingly. His friend sensed what was going on, but was going to be of no help. His friend said, “I guess I’ll see you in a bit then. We’ll be here.”

Reginald followed Elizabeth outside and they walked across the street. She turned to Reginald, “I hope I didn’t give the impression that I don’t like your friends, but I was hoping we could get more intimate.”

What could he say? It finally had come down to this. He couldn’t back out now. He nodded, and instead of walking to the car they made their way into his house, and up into his room, where they sat down on his bed. She remained about two feet away, while he faced her. He could feel his fingers trembling as they had on the couch before.  She took his hands in hers to calm them, and moved closer. The room was dim, as the light was fading outside, and he went to switch on the light, but she stopped him and dragged her finger along his chin. He began feeling enormously aroused and uncomfortable at the same time. Would she judge him like all the rest? He placed his hand on her shoulder and caressed her arm. She looked down at his hand, then back up at him and smiled, with all of her face. She leaned in and kissed him. The mixture of emotions was like an elixir to him, each separate emotion mixing together to make up what he felt. It was hard to pick out each individual emotion, just as it would be hard to pick out all twenty-three flavors in Dr. Pepper. Her lips were soft on his, and she kissed gently, and with reserve. It was not at all overpowering, and it was as if she sensed what would ease him into this. She reached down to lift up his shirt, but he stopped her hand and said, “I really couldn’t stand losing you after this. Why don’t we wait?”

She smiled and said, “You don’t have to worry about anything. You’re stuck with me. Remember?”

He could feel his muscles tense, but he lifted his hand off of hers, and she undressed him, and then he did likewise to her. Finally naked together they pressed their bodies against one another’s. She was warm, and her skin was very soft to the touch, even more so than his hands, which had not seen a hard day’s work in their life. They had both revealed themselves to each other, and had equal knowledge and power. She said, “How do you want me, baby? I’ll do anything.”

He decided to counter her relinquishing of power to him by giving it right back. He lay down on the bed and said, “How about you get on top.” He did not want the power. He wanted her to enact her desire for him. She crawled on top of him, and guided himself into her. This was the moment of supreme bliss and unity, the closest that two people can get. It was the culmination of their love for each other, this physical bond. He ran his hand up her back and grabbed onto her shoulder, pulling her close to him. The pressure of her breasts against his chest aroused him further, and he could feel his love for her increasing. He had waited for this since he had first had thoughts of sex. His love for her predated sexual desire, so when he felt sexual desire his first thought was to connect it with his love for her. She was perfect in his eyes because from such an early age she had been the ideal concept of his love, and what he judged all others against. How could another woman replace her when she was the definition of the word to him? This unity that he felt with her was intense, and as they made love he finally whispered in her ear, “I fucking love you. I really do. You mean the world to me, and I would do anything for you.”

She leaned in and kissed him and whispered back, “I fucking love you too, baby.”

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